five thousand shades of blue
Wednesday, November 07, 2001
If someone were so inclined to chart my mood based on my posts I bet they'd see a definite pattern. Lately I'm feeling a little like I'm travelling at a recklessly high rate of speed towards a solid, immoveable object, and there's no way to stop in time nor to change course to avoid it. Dread, despair, depression over the inevitability of impending impact. Hopeless. Sad.
I remember as a kid thinking birthdays were the most wonderful thing
ever, because they were like personal holidays that everyone celebrated in your honour. But about this I am also sad this year, even more so than turning 30 last year, probably because my birthday comes right before my brother's, my father's, my mother's, my neice's and my nephew's (all between next Tuesday and December 3rd.). I am by nature a generous person -- at least I like to think I am -- and it hurts more than I can ever let on to not be generous in celebrating their birthdays.
Of course after that comes the winter holiday season, and even more friends and loved ones I will not be able to be generous with. I just want my life back, out of this spiralling downward cycle, where I don't have to worry about whether I can pay the phone bill or have enough for a gallon of milk.
I am too too depressing today. Switch the channel.
is
this just not enough…?
