Milk and Cheese: The Mayhem Page

The Mayhem Page

After doing a set of pages like the ones I did for Griffin and Sabine, I thought it might be fun to dive down into the other end of the spectrum and create The Mayhem Page, which should for all intents and purposes be the anti-G&S page.

You may just be scratching your head about now, saying, "Who in the world are Milk and Cheese?" Good question. But you may be sorry you asked...

The Ballad of Milk And Cheese

Well, not really, but it did make a snappy title.

I stumbled upon this bit of insanity when I was at a friend's. He showed me a M&C comic, and when I saw their tag line — "Milk and Cheese: Dairy Products Gone Bad" — I was instantly hooked. "M&C" (created by the dementedly witty Evan Dorkin) is the ongoing saga of a half-pint of milk and a wedge of cheese who have drinking problems, violent tempers, and a general hatred of the human race. Nothing is sacred to Milk and Cheese, and they don't apologize for it. In other words: this series is not for the easily offended. The term "PC" only appears when they're making fun of it.

Milk is, obviously, the half-pint of milk. Otherwise known as The Hercules of Hate. Cheese is an orange wedge of anger, AKA The Sampson of Spite. Any other characters appearing in the panels are usually in some way maimed before the start of the next one. So, there aren't really any other recurring characters. The handful of trouble that these two are, who needs any other recurring characters? I for one cannot imagine the Mayhem™ increased by as little as one-third more. I don't think the world would survive.

But it's awfully violent, isn't it?

Hell, yeah, it's violent. They run around beating people in the head, smashing into things with cars, drinking beer and generally being impolite in the extreme. As Milk himself says in "Truth or Dare", "We are irascible malcontents — capable of performing ANY dunderheaded act of idiocy — no matter HOW wrongheaded or injurious to others!" But guess what? As a responsible adult, I know that 1.) this isn't real and 2.) just because Milk likes to beat people about the head and shoulders with broken gin bottles doesn't mean I should. In other words, I know how to seperate Pretend from Reality.

My Favourite Strips

I don't think there's such thing as a bad M&C strip. They all leave me laughing and/or cringing and/or sick to my stomach. But there are a few that stand out in the crowd... and here are the ones I like the best, in no particular order other than chronologically.

Of course, now with the release of the seventh issue ("Milk & Cheese's Latest Thing"), I may have a few additions, especially the Ren Faire one.

No-Talent Celebrity Tag — "Ha! Tag! You're Nipsey Russell!"
Merv Griffin! — Milk and Cheese run around rampaging and screaming "MERV GRIFFIN!" for no obvious reason.
Street Performers Must Die — because everyone hates a mime.
Zombie Homosexual Dwarf Freak Parade! — the title alone elevates it above the rest; so does the fact that there are, in fact, no zombie homosexual dwarf freaks present, let alone parading ones.
The Dairy Bums: An Epic Journey — the search for Klim.
Vomit — the single most disgusting strip there is. Guess what there's lots of.
Flee Market — the discovery of an expiration date on Milk sends them on a Mission From God: sell (or trade) Milk!
Milk & Cheese on Dope — Milk and Cheese... um... partake of an illegal substance*, get pissed off when they wake up (they never sleep, you see) and rampage, and furthermore, have a killer case of the munchies [snicker].
Con Job — "Live long and prosper." "Eat shit and die."
Sugar Rush — Nuff said. As if their being drunk wasn't enough.
Tricks or Treats — Halloween will never be the same.
Finger Lickin' Gods — "I'm bereft of lickable fingers!"
Worst Breath of the Day — Milk and Cheese rampage with Breath of Death.
Herve Villechaize Death Panic — we all should mourn the death of Tattoo.
No-Talent Celebrity Stalkers — first there was Tag... now, the sequel!
No Feelings — lobotomized Milk and Cheese. "Dairy products gone indifferent."

And last, but certainly not least...

Darth Vader Overdrive — Milk and Cheese wreak havoc when their mail-order Vader masks arrive. Fun for all!

* = see above about knowing how to seperate Pretend from Reality.

Where can I get my Milk and Cheese?

"Milk and Cheese" is published by Slave Labor Graphics, which is located at 983 S. Bascom Avenue, San Jose, CA, 95128. They can be reached by telephone at 408-971-8929 (and yes, they do mail order). Available for purchase are t-shirts, posters, trading cards and even fridge magnets. Oh, yeah, and of course, comic books.

(BTW, if there's anyone out there who has 16, 17, 18, 27, 28, 29, or 30 from the trading card set, and is willing to trade/sell, I'm all ears!)

Links of Spite

There's nothing I despise more than pages with links to other pages (in a manner of speaking), but, why should I scan in and display images that are already available out there (and risk copyright infringement on a grander scale than I already am)? Plus, it's always fun to see other people's takes on things you like.

Yahoo's listing of the results of searching for "Milk and Cheese Slave Labor": For those who have trouble creating such searches on your own. You will, however, have to wean out the references to A Healthy Diet. Do not fear, young ones: I have faith in you.

Those I've been to and like:

Slave Labor Graphics: Publishers of this fine series (and other fine series). Now available, on line ordering!

Gambit's Unofficial Milk and Cheese Page: It's cool but you might want to make sure your screen is really wide first (and the graphics are interlaced in a most bizarre way).

Grant's Comic Picks: Slave Labor Graphics and Grant's Comic Picks: Milk & Cheese: no pics but informative content.

Evan Dorkin's House of Fun

Last updated 18 August 2000.
"Milk and Cheese" is the property (and © and ™ and all else) of Evan Dorkin and Slave Labor Graphics, and their images are used without permission (it's free publicity! Yeah, that's it! Free Publicity!). I did, however, colour the header image my very own self.

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I'm Milk! He's Cheese! You're NEXT!