five thousand shades of blue

---

The desire to be accommodating, to do unto others as I would have others do unto me, is currently warring with a deep annoyance at people who don't seem to learn that major plans cannot be changed to fit in their last minute decisions. I hate having to tell people No and make them learn the hard way that lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. A little voice in my head pipes up and says, "Wouldn't you want someone to make an exception for you if you were in these circumstances?" And yes, I would, but there are several differences seperating any situation I would be facing, and this one. The person in question here is a minor, which adds a whole other level of planning and difficulty for this weekend, not to mention the entire concept of negative reinforcement (i.e. letting him leave it to the last minute, having everyone fall over themselves to make it happen -- and he's going to want to change this behaviour why?).

Argh. I really didn't need this stress this morning.

Well. How's this for Mercury direct? Returned home to find a phone call about a job interview (Tuesday, 1pm Pacific time, say a little prayer for me) and also have a VERY good chance of a very worthwhile web job coming down the pike.

I'm deathly afraid, though, that they are going to laugh at my portfolio. I mean the paper one. They're mostly illustrations. I wonder if I should bring a copy of an issue of the SCA newsletter I produced for two years?

Tonight (as they say, check local listings), PBS will be airing part one of the excellent BBC miniseries Gormenghast, which I had opportunity to view on videotape some months back. It's based on the first two books of the Titus Groan trilogy by Mervyn Peake, and is, according to friends who have read the books, a faithful adaptation, and the casting is incredible. It's excellent and highly recommended; I personally plan to tape both parts on SP speed.

The website's pretty cool too, for learning more about Peake, his work, and what Gormenghast is about.

Oh. My. Gosh.

(Kate -- thanks for your email.)

I just don't know what to write anymore. The worry in my life has sucked the creativity out of me; it has left me feeling empty and lifeless. Being an independent contractor will not give you a huge measure of job security, but one does expect the common courtesy of being told the the job's over, not to be left holding the bag as I was.

I tend to not write about these kinds of things here because I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I also don't like to drop a bummer on people who come here looking for a smile. I've always tried to be a people-pleaser that way. {half-hearted grin}

I did get a positive response from one of the places I sent my resumé to. With Mercury finally going direct (and believe what you will, but this retrograde period has been hard on almost every single person around me), I'm hoping for more contact from them.

...

Very strange. I just had a very vivid sense of déjà vu. That someone is going to respond to "pity and sympathy" with "Well of course you want pity and sympathy, why else would you post this?" I can't win when my own brain sabotages me in such ways.

Spoilers for the Xena Series Finale.
You have been warned.

Instead of talking about how much I hated the ending, how it went against the everything the show was about (I'd think that Xena's seven or so years of crusading for good would be enough proof of redemption, wouldn't you?), I'm going to write how I think the ending should have gone.

As the sun dipped ever nearer to the horizon, Gabrielle leaned closer into Xena, feeling the pit of her stomach plummet as she realized this sunset would be her last with her best friend. She found it so hard to believe that in exchange for those forty thousand souls to be released, that Xena would have to stay dead to keep them redeemed.

Gabrielle had been moments from releasing her ashes into the Fountain of Strength, when Xena held her hands to prevent her. I have to die, she'd said, to keep those souls free. As much as it hurts to leave you, I must do this.

Tears filled Gabrielle's eyes as the last bit of the sun fell behind the mountain. This was it. She memorized the sensation of leaning against Xena, expecting it to disappear into smoke at any moment.

In an instant, though, the sky was filled with a blinding light, and they both raised their hands to shield their eyes.

you have redeemed yourself, said a booming voice. your willingness to sacrifice yourself for the souls of the murdered has proven to us you are worthy of forgiveness. you shall be restored.

The light faded, returning the pair to evening dusk, and they looked at one another. The sun had set, and yet, here was Xena, full flesh and blood. She had not in fact shimmered away into nothingness with the sun. Gabrielle cried and threw her arms around Xena, holding on to her like she might not ever let go.

Okay, not my best work, but you get the idea. The suspense of not knowing if she would really die was enough. They didn't need to actually DO IT.

We had a chuckle when we realized that Gabrielle's next stop after Xena's death was the land of the Pharoahs. The Nile. A river in Egypt? Or denial? The ghost of Xena, and only Gabrielle can see her. Ha, ha.

I feel like a traitor, having to come to The Other Cybercafé in town to upload a large file since the cd-rw disk can't (for some reason) be read on my machine at the café and my Mac doesn't recognize the stupid Windows names, will only see the truncated DOS names. After all of this effort (31+ MB!) I betcha the damned realvideo presentation (for a client) won't even WORK. Argh.

Dreaming of being abandoned, stranded, my car stolen, my bus missed; running across a busy four-lane street and narrowly being mowed down by a clutch of Harley-Davidsons. What does it mean...?!?

Gonna try for plane tickets for the very beginning of August. Shooting for a time when my sister and her kids will also be there. Makes sense to try to be there to see them too, kind of killing two birds with one stone. Wish me luck.

SCA event tomorrow and truth be told, I don't even really want to go. I have to drive though because Andra's hopped up on pain pills (dental work), and she HAS to be there as she is in charge of the local group. It will be good to see a friend stepping up to the principality throne, but frankly, I'd rather be sleeping in my bed.

Hm. Interesting. I disconnect my secondary hard drive and suddenly, all my problems go away. Amazing, that.

Happy birthday, Martha dear! =)

An's PC crapped out over the weekend; my PowerMac similarly would not stay running, and then today, I go to reboot the server and it starts making unholy sounds, noises that a computer should not make, and it's burning hot. I notice then that the power supply's fan is not turning. I unplug it, take off the case, and direct a small fan into its guts. I think we can likely swap the power supply out of the computer with the dead I/O card.

Mercury could totally speed up and go back into direct. I wouldn't complain one bit.

I have no idea why I'm up at this hour. On any given day, it'd be about four hours til my alarm goes off. I've had something of a creative bug bite me though, and a cool font I've been itching to use, so check out my main site if you want to see what I consider a relaxing Saturday night in.

Okay, this man has the remarkable ability to make my laugh so hard I cry. Here is an excellent example of said ability.

Retail therapy is a wonderful thing. I was driving home yesterday on my way to do some onerous tasks, and noticed that the new Goodwill outlet -- occupying a former home improvement store's space, so it's freaking HUGE -- was having its grand opening. Naturally, I was powerless against it and felt my car turning into the parking lot of its own accord. Free Pepsi, popcorn and snowcones. I walk into the building and am wowed by its enormity. I took a very quick turn through the aisles and managed to find a gorgeous, embroidered ochre yellow dress for $4 and the Brian Setzer swing CD for $2.25. Not bad.

I'm wearing the dress today, and every regular who has come into the café this morning has commented on what a nice dress it is. It's cheery on a grey, overcast morning like this is, and the colour really looks good on me (in a weird way, it matches my hair!). Honestly, I don't know WHY people give this stuff away. I've worn my brand new butter amber earrings with it, and it's really made me feel a whole lot better.

Well, that explains a lot. Mercury's retrograde, and will be until June 27th.

Can I crawl under a rock and not come out until the 28th?

---

*laugh*

The first time I posted and published this, even though it says it was successful, it was not. So typical of Mercury retrograde. So I'm editing this and hoping it will show up.

For those who don't know, here is the concise version of what Mercury retrograde is:

The traditional meaning assigned to Mercury going "retrograde" in the sky is that of delays and frustrations in everyday life routines and in communications. During the (very) approximate 24 day periods when Mercury turns "retrograde" in the sky, astrologers generally recommend delaying of the signing contracts and other important life decisions. It is a time better spent in reflection and rethinking things.

And here you'll find some stories of Mercury Retrograde nightmares.

Not much to say. Without going into gory detail, I'm just all around stressed and busy and really don't want to plop that of it down for the world to see.

M: I did start your letter this past weekend :)

BWAHAHAHAHA

Rain, dammit, rain. Rainrainrainrainrain.

Rain. Rain!! RAIN!!!

It's so freaking humid, I can't stand it.

And I can't believe it's nearly midway through June already. Not fair.

After a long night of moving an overly-large desk through a door not wide enough to get it in the easiest way, I went home to peacefully spend my evening. It started out that way -- painting scrolls for SCA awards, playing a bit more of Exile -- and then I got up into bed.

First, my housemate comes up and tells me that the little fan that I'd set up next to the computer had fallen over, and somehow had caused the computer to shut off (probably by touching it briefly). So I went down to fix it (pushed the motherboard reset button and everything was happy again), then inadvertantly did it again, shutting the computer off again. And this time, it wouldn't come back on. Not a flicker of life.

Thoughts of fried motherboards and burned out power supplies filled my head. I can't afford to have something like that fixed right now. How the hell am I going to get the stuff off of the disks? Things of that nature. I reset the surge protector strip. I reset the battery backup. I had just about given up, hit the powerup button one last time... and success.

My housemate, who we cheerfully call "the gravity well" for her propensity to make things just fall or break in her general vicinity, looked woeful and unhappy, since she'd knocked the fan over in the first place. She visibly brightened when the lights all came back on. I announced however that the computer was being shut down for the night... I didn't need any more gravity well accidents, and besides, the secondary disk drive was feeling a titch warm to the touch.

After that adrenaline rush, I had a really difficult time getting to sleep. That and the fact that my hands went numb when I tried to get comfortable, because my back was out. It's after 11pm at this point, and I trundle downstairs to get Andra to crack my back. That helped, moderately. I still couldn't sleep.

I dreamt first of walking around like it was day to day life, only I knew that I had to get to surgery because my appendix might go. It didn't hurt, and there was no sense of urgency, I just knew I had to get it done. I was more worried in the dream about my refinancing loan officer finding out, because she'd refuse the loan! I really hope that wasn't some kind of premonition. What side is the appendix on again...?

Then I had one of those stupid dreams where you hit snooze too many times and suddenly in your dream you're latelatelate, and then you wake up in a panic only to realize that it's an hour or so before your alarms's set to go off for the first time. For me, that's 4:30am. Bleah.

And I had to drink my morning coffee with SOY milk. I don't like soy milk. But I had no milk left, and had to have coffee.

I come in this morning and find no net connection. Fortunately it was only because the power adapter had come out of the hub while moving the behemoth desk in. Is Mercury retrograde or something?!

At least it's Friday.

Since I couldn't post to Blogger from home to save my life yesterday afternoon (goddamnf*cking dialup hell), I wanted to wish my parents a happy 32nd anniversary yesterday -- and my grandparents a happy 61 today.

My dad also announced to me yesterday that he's retiring after 30+ years at GM. He's really not old enough to be retired! I'm not old enough to have a dad that's retiring! Ugh. Mortality sets in...

An example header from the main page of the Myst III: Exile site:



Is it just me, or is that the same font I'm using? Not the word Welcome, but the stuff in the background (may be too faint for PCs with uncorrected gamma to see).

Strange.

-- a few minutes later --

I just compared them side by side, after publishing, and it sure is the same font. For the record, I was using it first. :)

Julie's got a new site! OOOOOOOO!

Courtesy of Swish Cottage: Morrissey, the next Edgar Cayce? This site's author alleges that the Prince of Dark Pop actually foretells the death of Princess Diana some 9 years before it happens (via The Smiths' The Queen is Dead). I read through the site, and it left me vacillating somewhere between "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" and "Too weird for coincedences". You be the judge.

"Jesse's Girl", "Ghostbusters", "Send Me An Angel", "Take On Me", "99 Luftballons", "(I Just) Died in Your Arms"... all on the radio within the last hour or so. I feel like I'm caught in an 80s slipstream, and you know, it's not half bad.

In the midst of Nine Things excitement I forgot to mention that one of Andra's grandmothers passed away two days ago. It didn't really come as a big surprise, since she was not in good health. I think I was more distraught with being given the responsibility of telling Andra, since I wasn't really sure how she was going to react. I knew that she knew intellectually that Grandma Sarah didn't have much time left, but when faced with the reality of death one never can predict the reaction. I was a bit resentful at first of being given the responsibility, but after realizing that she really had already made her peace (she'd gotten to see her grandma just a month ago), I understood why Andra's mom had felt it was all right to have me tell her. They had all expected it.

This has kind of sent me into a funk about my family and my grandparents. My mother's father died when I was three, and I only know him through pictures really. I haven't seen my grandparents since 1998, and my remaining grandfather is not in the best shape (Alzheimer's). I really wish I could go home; the terrible (?) thing is that I have a free airline ticket at my disposal but I don't have the time to go, and don't have the spare cash it'd take to do a trip like that. I know, I know, I need to make time. This is important. Sigh.

Well, Thierry points out to me that he in fact guessed #8, and you know what? I took a second look at his mail, and sure 'nuff, he did. So, that makes two correct guesses, Thierry and Martha. There is, unfortunately, no prize to be awarded. :)

Okay. The Blog you've all (yes, all three of you) been waiting for...

...The Answers to Nine Things About Me That Are True + One That Isn't...

1.) I attended art school with Ani di Franco.

        TRUE. She and I both attended the State University of New York at Buffalo for art at the same time, and I'm pretty sure I had encountered here more than once in the building (how many people had pierced eyebrows in 1988? I rest my case.).

2.) I was born on a Friday the 13th, under a full moon.

        TRUE. November 13th, 1970. Consult a calendar if you don't believe me. ;)

3.) I have lived in three different states.

        TRUE. New York, California, and Oregon.

4.) On my graduation day from high school, our valedictorian was taken into custody for killing his mother.

        TRUE. Sadly.

5.) My first computer was a PC laptop.

        TRUE. I'm pretty fiercely Mac-loyal now, but my first computer ever was this old PC laptop (I'm talking, filled your lap) that pretty much ran DOS and nothing else (though I loved it at the time!). It was perfect for using WordPerfect to write. Something about it keeled over and died, and I moved on to my next computer, which was also an IBM clone also running DOS, ironically enough.

6.) I was the only female on my high school Math League team.

        TRUE. I did terribly too, but then again, we all did. These were not easy math problems.

7.) I have had blue, red, and black hair.

        TRUE. I used to streak my hair blue (temporary gel stuff -- I didn't say I had DYED it blue); I had Bev-Crusher-red hair for about 6 or 7 years; and one summer during high school, I did a black (temporary) color wash.

8.) I learned to ride a bicycle when I was 4.

        FALSE. I was a chicken about riding a bike and didn't learn til I was almost 12. I learned to read at about the age of 4 though. :)

9.) I have taken the subway system in six different cities.

        TRUE. Buffalo, Toronto, Washington DC, New York City, San Francisco, and London.

10.) I have a pierced tragus.

        TRUE. For today's anatomy lesson, put your finger on your cheek and move it towards your ear. The first thing you touch that isn't your cheek, that kind of sticks out like a little flap that would cover your ear canal if it was just a bit bigger (course, on some people, it might), is your tragus.

I had to change one word in my list because I realized, in a shades of gray kind of way, that as it stood could be interpreted to be the opposite of what it really is. ;)

Well, I can see my own webpage from here again, this is good.

I'm going to wait a little while before posting the answers to my "Nine Things..." list. I have only received four guesses so far: both J and M said they were stumped but had narrowed it down to 5, 6, 7, 8, or 9; Thierry from France guessed 4; and Kate guessed 5. Heh, heh, heh. This is FUN.

Spent a good portion of my weekend playing Myst III: Exile. If you liked Myst or Riven, you will like this one. You WILL. So far the only problems I'm having are a bit of jumpy sound and I'm not sure I like the cursor being fixed in the center and translucent (I want it to change when there's a valid direction to take, and not have to click and guess, relying only on the polite sneezing sound that happens if you can't go that way, especially if there's, say, a waterfall in your close proximity). What's really cool is the graphics, the way the water moves, the panoramic scenes... Brad Dourif is the bad guy, and all I can think of is the guy he played on the X-Files, the death row inmate Boggs who could 'communicate' with Scully's dead father. He's sooo creepy. I'm so enjoying it though. It's a nice vacation after the month of doom (that would be May).

In the spirit of Julie's and Martha's lists (which were inspired by other lists), I humbly offer you:

...Nine Things About Me That Are True + One That Isn't...

1.) I attended art school with Ani di Franco.

2.) I was born on a Friday the 13th, under a full moon.

3.) I have lived in three different states.

4.) On my graduation day from high school, our valedictorian was taken into custody for killing his mother.

5.) My first computer was a PC laptop.

6.) I was the only female on my high school Math League team.

7.) I have had blue, red, and black hair.

8.) I learned to ride a bicycle when I was 4.

9.) I have taken the subway system in six different cities.

10.) I have a pierced tragus.

I will probably post the answers on Monday. Since I don't have a comments system, should you feel inspired to guess, please email me with your guesses (kindly delete the ".nospam" portion of the address first! It is there to thwart the spam.bots).

I'm currently laughing at a customer who is playing air drums to the band on his portable CD player. He looks like he's having some kind of seizure.

Since we've been ruminating as of late about the finale of Voyager being like a faded third-hand copy of "All Good Things..." we decided to dust off the tape and watch it last night. I was struck again by how many subtleties were the same (don't peek at the footnotes if you don't want to be spoiled): crew member with degenerative neurological disorder; crew member who goes on to be a novelist; crew member who dies... Argh. TNG was such a fine show, and by the end, we both felt like we'd been graced with a visit from an old friend... and equally sad when said friend had to leave. We both had tears, honestly! There's something so poignant and real about that final scene, the poker scene. "I should have done this a long time ago." "You were always welcome." I get chills up my spine. And gods, I had forgotten the magnificence with which Patrick Stewart played Picard. It had been so long since I watched. Andra and I both decided we missed that show, a lot.

Anyway, I'm all-around nostalgic again because Martha had me ruminating about R.E.M. albums to recommend. I remember joyfully screaming out the lyrics to the songs on "Life's Rich Pageant" as we drove together almost everywhere... I miss those guys. I need to drop them a note.

To my cousin Jennifer: You're 30 now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [evil grin]

is this just not enough…?

i feel

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