five thousand shades of blue

---

I'm dreaming now of taking orders, sitting at my desk at home over a dialup connection and unable to access the right tools. People asking me, grilling me about products we don't even carry like movies. I haven't even finished training yet -- I hope these dreams don't continue to escalate and pervade my sleeping hours.

Tonight is the last night of training, during which we will get to take our first live calls. I am looking forward to the shift in hours to something more reasonable than being there until midnight.

In sad news... and then there were two: George Harrison, dead at 58. Hope he and John are enjoying catching up on the other side... it's been a while.

So tired. Training is long and while not difficult to do the job, it does require an incredible amount of multitasking and quick recall as to where things can be found (say, if someone wants to know if Gift X is kosher). My class is thankfully small and the people in it are, for the most part, fairly cool (there's one person I'm tempted to throttle but I doubt very much that I'll be working with her after Friday. At least, that is my sincere hope.). After about 8pm things get rather slap happy, as we're all running solely on caffeine and sugar. And popcorn.

There are not enough hours in a day, and I wonder how I will get through the next few weeks with my sanity intact. I am missing contact with all of my friends, very much hating eating dinner alone (out of Tupperware bowls), and driving home after midnight in the too-empty streets. Not to sound ungrateful, but even after all of this, it will still not be enough money to make bills. I do also have this PHP coding job to do as well. I wanted to sleep when?

Universe, I could use a serious break and some financial sunshine any time now. Thank you.

Don't think I have had a long weekend in quite a while. Thanksgiving was good, except for the fact that I had a blaring headache all day long. You know it's bad when I don't even want to play "Kill Dr. Lucky". Headache extended into Saturday and it was only by dint of serious painkillers that I could make the drive up to Portland to see friends.

Today starts my temporary stint taking orders for a gourmet food basket company. It's going to be a long month. I had a hard time sleeping once the sun came up this morning, and training goes from 3pm to midnight.

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
        --Eden Phillpotts

Yes. Yes it is.

It was a good day yesterday. An offer for some additional freelance work via people I've really enjoyed working with thus far. An email heralding the birth of the son of a dear friend I have known since seventh grade (welcome to the world, Nathaniel!). A very good day at the café. And a $40 tax rebate check arrived in the mail.

Today's my dad's birthday. I told you November was a birthday clusterf***. :)

Sometimes, peanut butter and banana sandwiches are a lifesaver.

I may look bored, but I'm really very busy on a cellular level.

Just call me Sandra, Destroyer of Worlds. You see, I vanquished the mildew in the bathroom -- and believe me, in the Pacific Northwest, you can get some pretty thriving little civilizations going there. It was all over the ceiling above the shower and beginning to creep down the walls. Here's a resounding endorsement for X-14 mildew stain remover (even if I don't particularly want to know what's in it, because it's probably horrible -- just keep that room well ventilated while working, and afterwards). I think it's the true mark of adulthood to be excited about sparkling white bathroom walls.

Aside from cleaning, the weekend was uneventful. Went to see Atlantis (the Disney movie, not the Anthony Hopkins one) and it was a lot better than I was expecting, even if a good deal of the story seemed to be 'inspired' by Stargate.

Sunday was filled with its annoyances, and I do mean filled. Sunday morning I had to call the police on a group of teenaged boys who were drag racing this mini race car thing (that sounded like a dirt bike, and probably had a dirt bike motor) back and forth on our street, around the corner and onto the next street over, which is a very busy street. The car-thing was definitely not street legal, extremely loud, and they were definitely driving way the hell too fast (and doing spin-outs to boot). I was pleased to see the police arrive just as they sped down to the end of my street, which has no outlet.

Later that night, trying to get to Marian's for dinner was a challenge because the road was blocked off for reasons we weren't immediately aware of. We go the long way around to try to get to her house... and as luck would have it, the police car serving as that end's blockade is parked right in front of her driveway, perpendicular to the car lanes. We're in the car gesturing wildly towards the driveway and the cop is saying, "You can't go that way." I roll down the window and say, "But we just need to go in that driveway. Right. There." Again, "You can't go that way." Repeat scenario four or five times. Absolutely annoyed at this point, we make a hard right and park on a sidestreet, across the three-lane street from her house. As we're walking from where we parked to the corner, lugging various bags and books and sewing projects for the evening, the damn cop car turns and drives away, leaving us to cross the street just as cars are moving down the street again. At this point, frustrated as hell, Jen and I tromp over to the house while Andra fetches the truck to park in the driveway.

It wasn't until we got into the house that we found out what was going on. Apparently there was a man with a gun loose in the neighbourhood. It made me doubly angry at that cop -- because it was much safer for us to walk all that way with a crazed gunman on the loose than to just pull into the driveway! </sarcasm>

Thankfully, it's a short week, my last week for a month getting up at oh-dark-thirty, barring something freakish happening, like Andra or me getting a permanent job. Training for Harry and David starts next Monday. A week of 3pm to midnight. Prepare to shift, circadian cycle!

Unfortunately, wishes aren't fast trains, and here I sit a continent away from where I want to be this weekend. You'll understand if I'm a bit sulky.

Last night was a sort of third birthday dinner in a row. Roger and Emily, two wonderful people we met through the SCA, drove down from Hillsboro (15-20 miles outside of Portland) just to take Andra and me to dinner. We didn't find out until they got here that it was Roger's birthday and it was one of the things he wanted to do. We were very touched, very happy to see Roger looking so well (we had not seen him since before his kidney transplant) and had a wonderful, wonderful time. It didn't even bother me that I missed the first half hour of the dominatrix episode of CSI -- I'll catch the rerun. Good times with friends will always take precedence.

sigh

Cool discovery of the day: replacing &bg=FFFFFF with &trans=1 makes the background behind the iMood text transparent! Sweet! (Thank you, Jesse of iMood!)

Happy birthday to my younger brother. I just can't believe he's the age I was when I moved to Oregon.

Nothing new to report on. No word from the university yet. Sent another resume in to a local TV station looking for a graphic artist. Believe me, if I get positive news I'll be shouting it from the rooftops. :)

Via JillMatrix: 5 happy thoughts. In no particular order, as they come to me.

1.) Being stapled to the couch by a fuzzy cat (yes, I do have a specific one in mind) who's virtually turned herself upside down as you pet her furry belly
2.) Driving down a long, boring stretch of road, hearing a song you love being played on the radio, and turning it up very loud and singing along at the top of your lungs
3.) Sitting around a table with your best friends (or friends and family) as they sing you "Happy Birthday"
4.) Touching base with old friends and discovering that though the years may have passed and we may have changed, we are still friends
5.) Having a grumpy day turned completely around by seeing a complete rainbow arcing up from the horizon and back down again, amidst the grey clouds

Watch out, space scum. Wesley's coming back and he's gonna kick your ass. :)

What started out as a rather too-ordinary-day-for-a-birthday grew dramatically better with the setting of the sun. Delicious creamy curried prawns and lassi at Poppi's Anatolia, which could easily become my favourite restaurant ever, then off to Onsen for an hour in a hot tub. The hot tub rooms are open to the sky and it was strange to have cool rain sprinkling down on my warmed skin. Delightful! I stayed awake long enough to wash my hair in the shower, then, feeling all warm and fuzzy all over, drifted off to an excellent night sleep.

Before my day got better yesterday, I was in need of retail therapy (that is to say, a trip to the local thrift store). My intention was to only browse and to not spend more than the $5 in my purse. I am now the proud owner of an Eeyore umbrella that reads "Oh gloomy day!" repeatedly, dotted with little sad looking Eeyores, and fluffly white clouds on a sky blue background. 50 cents, a little soapy lovin' in the kitchen sink, and I have an umbrella again.

It just occurred to me that the iBook came on this day last year. Wow. It still kicks the ass of my desktop computer, hands down. If not for the monitor's limitations I'd be tempted to dump the desktop completely.

So, if anyone reading this can manage to find me the lyrics to "Delta Rain" by The Blessing / William Topley that aren't in German, I would be ever grateful.

For more years than I can remember, Marla has been my birthday twin... so, happy birthday, O birthday twin. :)

A dramatically cloudy sunrise that looked more like a sunset, edifices to the library under construction tinged with golden pink against a dark wall of grey clouds to the west, dramatic and beautiful, a portent of a rainy afternoon. Bus was late arriving, hurry, rushed morning, back aching, late pastries, screaming lunatic out on pedestrian mall, all before 8 am.

Happy birthday.

Times like this I wish I had the power of telepathy, to reach out with my mind alone and search for friends, loved ones... to know if they are alive and well. Not knowing and not being able to find out is the hardest thing of all. It was on September 11th, and it is today.

Coffee bar chick time for a moment: If you like latte drinks and like to experiment with different flavour syrups, I can heartily recommend Torani's new seasonal flavour, Ginger Spice -- which makes an incredible gingerbread latte. Yum. And did I mention, yum?

Can I just say that if I manage to win the Powerball tonight, y'all who're meeting up in Philly had better make room for my ass because I will so be there. (Founder can't go. Not. Fair.)

The sunrise this morning was a beautiful blush of reddish pink diffused by the layer of dense pre-dawn fog, and I noticed that everyone on board the bus had their eyes transfixed by the sight.

I'm still feeling pretty up after yesterday's interview. Finished sewing trim on around the sleeves of my new tunic (amazing what scraps of fabric one finds at Goodwill can be turned into) while watching Galaxy Quest. No matter how many times I watch that movie I will always laugh, though I think Wil Wheaton was right when he said that the producers of the movie should have cast him to "play a freaky fanboy who keeps screaming at the actor who played 'the kid' about how awful it was that there was a kid on the spaceship." Nearly every time I notice something new about it -- this time it was how Guy said his character was killed "by the lava monster before the first commercial break." "Holy crap! He's Tasha!" I said, and Andra replied, "Oh my god, you're right!"

The punchline to this realization didn't happen until after the movie ended, when we switched the TV over to TNN for the end of ST: TNG (waiting, naturally, for the newest installment of CSI). They happened to be playing "Skin of Evil" -- the episode where Tasha Yar is killed by the black sludge monster. [ba-dum-bum]

Yeay! I don't think I've done a better interview so far. The first thing out of my mouth was admiring my interviewer's Mac monitor, and she said that the first thing she was going to ask me was if I had Mac experience (boy howdy, do I ever!). And what about the techie side of Macs (making printers work, and so on)? Yep. She was also impressed with my hand-coding everything (vs. relying heavily on programs like Dreamwaver), my design experience, and my ability to learn very quickly by example. We also had a mutual BFA bonding moment (and a side discussion about fiber arts that I think didn't hurt). The disc I made seemed to be missing some images (EEP!) but we worked around that by looking directly at the website.

I should know if I advance to the next round by early next week.

It was about five after five when Marian called me. Our plans may have been for naught. Mary and the vet are with Opal now and sometime within the next twenty minutes, Erika's going to have to make a decision. The plans were to see a movie. Mary is Erika's mom, and Opal ... well, Opal was three pounds of cat and fifteen tons of attitude, and Erika had had her since Erika was 14 years old.

I arrived at the café at about 5:40pm like I usually do to help clean up and close it down. Marian had gone back home; Erika had made her choice. The movie was off, but that didn't bother me. Marian called at about 6pm, just as we were locking up. Do you want to come over for Opal's funeral?

It was all over, then. It shouldn't have been a surprise. Opal had been sick for a long time and it was actually quite amazing she lived as long as she did; sheer cussedness alone must have kept her going. But it was hard to think of no more little tiny cat to perch on your leg on the couch (she especially loved wool and denim), no more cat to give your cantaloupe rind or vanilla ice cream remains to.

Andra and I ate our take-out dinner at the café (bought when dinner was to be a quick thing before the 7 o'clock movie), talking about things as usual, but the sorrow over little Opal being gone kind of hung in the air like a thick fog. On the way to Marian's Andra decided it would be fitting to bring a funerary mousie toy to bury with her, as well as a scrap of wool.

I wasn't sure how I would react to seeing a cat I had seen alive, breathing, and making a nest on my lap just this past Sunday, now dead and lifeless. All the pets I had ever had had died out of my sight and never saw their bodies (I was either too young or too far away). Aside from my Pappo dying when I was three, I have not yet lost an immediate family member. For someone who watches and reads about forensic science and true crime as much as I do, my experience with actual death is pretty much limited to a classmate who died a year after our high school graduation. How strange it was to see him as if asleep yet definitely not alive surrounded by the soft satin of his casket. I still think about him often.

We entered Karl / Marian / Erika's house to find Marian, Karl, Mary, Josh (friend) and Jen (my housemate) talking together. They were dressed in coats and hats. Erika came out from the back part of the house and asked us if we wanted to see her (Opal) one last time. I was feeling a touch squeamish and asked, "Where is she?" Right there on the couch. I looked to see a lump of wool. Erika folded it back and there she was, curled up as if in sleep, the only indication she was dead was that her eye was slightly open and unblinking (I'd say "unseeing" but she had been blind in that eye). There was a miniature woven basket folded in with her (one of her favourite toys as a younger cat) and a flower. Andra laid the scrap of wool with her to keep her warm and the mousie so she'd always have something to play with and Erika's barely contained control broke and she started crying again; we all started crying. We pet her one last time, her tiny body still warm (more crying), before Erika folded the wool up again and placed her in her makeshift casket (a cardboard box).

Andra and I put our coats back on and in silence we all filed out the back door towards a back corner of the backyard, where Alexander (elderly boycat) had been laid to rest a couple of years ago. We formed a circle and Erika set the box down, picked up a shovel, and began digging a grave by flashlight. I'm sure the casual observer would have thought us some strange Satanic cabal performing a dark rite under cover of night. Everyone pitched in digging (except for myself; I was worried about my still-healing back). The box was set in, and we all bent down and scooped handfuls of dirt around the box, tears streaming out of my eyes. When we stood we all hugged Erika in turn. I know, some people think that a pet is just a pet, but when it's one you've had for more than half your life, its death hits you low and hard in the gut.

I'm almost glad that Erika had to pack to take a trip the following day (leaving for my home state early this morning), because it kept her busy. She found a pair of gloves that she'd lost two years ago, and some other things, and it was good to see her laughing. When she did finally sit down with some tea, she spoke of how strange it was to not see Opal appear out of nowhere to take her spot on Erika's lap. I agreed; we all did.

Andra and I went home and snuggled the cats.

I come home to discover two pieces of very good news. One is regarding the place I interviewed with on Monday being considered a private employment agency (thus allowing me to fill out paperwork to defer my student loan), and the other is regarding an interview tomorrow for part time web work with the University of Oregon!

Just call me "Ms. Mood Swings" today.

If someone were so inclined to chart my mood based on my posts I bet they'd see a definite pattern. Lately I'm feeling a little like I'm travelling at a recklessly high rate of speed towards a solid, immoveable object, and there's no way to stop in time nor to change course to avoid it. Dread, despair, depression over the inevitability of impending impact. Hopeless. Sad.

I remember as a kid thinking birthdays were the most wonderful thing ever, because they were like personal holidays that everyone celebrated in your honour. But about this I am also sad this year, even more so than turning 30 last year, probably because my birthday comes right before my brother's, my father's, my mother's, my neice's and my nephew's (all between next Tuesday and December 3rd.). I am by nature a generous person -- at least I like to think I am -- and it hurts more than I can ever let on to not be generous in celebrating their birthdays.

Of course after that comes the winter holiday season, and even more friends and loved ones I will not be able to be generous with. I just want my life back, out of this spiralling downward cycle, where I don't have to worry about whether I can pay the phone bill or have enough for a gallon of milk.

I am too too depressing today. Switch the channel.

Say hello to Ruby Bramble of Willowbottom.

My interview with the temp agency went pretty damn well. I kicked serious butt (okay, did "exceptionally well") on the clerical test. There were eight sections of things like proofreading, organizing alphabetical and numerical lists, spelling, and basic math. I missed three questions, two math and one spelling error (which is arguable since "supercede" is, according to the agency itself, a valid alternate spelling, and Blogger's spellcheck didn't seem to think it was erroneous, either). The math errors (and I'm talking addition/subtraction) I blame on not having had a proper lunch and it being nearly four o'clock. I did fairly well on the Word competency test (though was scored 'incorrect' on mouse clicks that weren't precisely on target, or for formulating an alternate method of achieving a goal -- which, to their credit, they do take into account), and acceptably well on the typing test (if I were allowed to take the typing test on my own computer keyboard, I'd probably do even better). So, I will probably get some temp or even permanent work through them. That would be cool. The woman I interviewed with was very easy to get along with, and that always helps.

Actually got some decent sleep last night. Granted, I'd love to still be there curled up in bed; as the quote goes, "If wishes were fast trains, we'd all be some place else." ;)

What is it about entering a coffee shop makes people utterly unable to read? We've got two prominent signs listing what the flavours for the muffins, scones, and turnovers (flaky pastry dough + fruit filling) are each day. I change them every morning, and one even hangs over the pastry basket itself. So it stands to reason that coffee vapours must make people temporarily illiterate if they ask me what the scone flavour is, see me look at the sign and say "date walnut" (or whatever), then ask what the muffin is, then.

There are times when I wish that my brain had an Off switch (or at least a Sleep setting like any good computer does these days), so that the times I need to sleep the most desperately aren't sabotaged by an overactively awake mind, thinkingthinkingthinking about the week to come, about getting older, promises of a brand new year to get it right this time, saying au revoir to a mostly pathetic and forgettable year and a whole raft of other stressful ponderances.

Naturally I have an interview today with an office-type placement agency. Oh, yeah, I'll sure be at my best after a fractured night sleep totalling about 4 or 5 hours.

In the midst of high tech job searching, it feels good to sit and sew.

Yesterday was plucked clean out of May, sunny, warm and gorgeous, furnace off and windows open. Today we are back to grey and dismal November. I expect the rain to start any time now.

He's been promising good things for a while now. Come on, universe, don't let me down.

Via Martha, the Four Things list:

Four things you'd eat on the last day of your life:
Real Buffalo chicken wings from the Anchor Bar.
Viola's steak and cheese sub.
Basteeyah.
Chocolate truffles from Euphoria Chocolate.

Four names for an adorable new puppy:
(Though I'd be more likely to have a kitten.)
Fuzz.
Smokey.
Hrothgar.
Genghis.

Your four least favorite CDs from your collection:
The Tenth Kingdom soundtrack (thought it would have that awesome opening song; it didn't).
I'm sure there are more, but my least favourite are the least remarkable and thus I can't think of them.

Four movies that made you think:
Contact.
The Last Temptation of Christ.
A Dry White Season.
Mulholland Drive.

Four celebrities you would have sex with:
I'm changing the answer on this one to "Which four celebrities would you like to see have sex on screen?"
Jessica Alba and Michael Weatherly, "Dark Angel".
Patrick Stewart and Gates McFadden, "Star Trek: TNG".
There, that's four. Course, if I got thrown into that mix somehow, I wouldn't be all that upset. :)

Four shades of blue:
Cornflower.
Sapphire.
Cerulean.
Lapis lazuli.

Four causes to which you'd donate money if you won the lottery:
I'd create a foundation to support:
Universal health care for all.
DNA testing to help get the innocent out of prison/death row a la The Innocence Project.
Medical research for the big diseases (cancer, AIDS to name two, but I wouldn't limit it to only those).
Alternate energy source research.

Four vacations you have taken:
A week in Stratford (wonderful English countryside) then a week in London (amazing city), spring '94.
Road trip to Hartford, CT with college friends, summer ... '89?
Road trip to Baltimore, MD with same college friends, summer the year following Hartford.
First trip farther west than Cleveland, over the Rocky Mountains, to California, visiting Hollywood, Paramount studios, etc., the summer before the premiere of DS9.

Four songs that frequently get stuck in your head:
(I don't always view songs that stick to the roof of your mind as a bad thing.)
"Fields of Gold", the Eva Cassidy rendition (gorgeous).
"All Souls' Night" by Loreena McKennitt.
"American Pie" by Don McLean.
Any song from "The Sifl and Olly Show" ("that's how you get to llama school!").

Four things you'd like to learn:
Food gardening (be better at it).
Training myself to be healthier, to the point that it is effortless.
How to be less afraid to express my feelings.
To be better at medieval arts (leatherworking, metalworking, embroidery).

Four beverages you drink frequently:
Flavoured latte (usually cinnamon, hazelnut, Irish cream (non alcoholic!), white chocolate / macadamia nut, or chocolate / toffee).
Cola, preferably with a shot of Torani chocolate syrup.
Hot Darjeeling tea, sweet and light.
Iced tea (either fresh brewed or lipton mix, I'm not picky).

Four TV shows that were on when you were a kid:
Charlie's Angels (I always got to be "Jill").
The Donny and Marie Show.
The Muppet Show.
Saturday Night Live (yes, my parents let me stay up to watch).

Four places to go in your city:
Saturday Market / Holiday Market.
Oregon Country Fair (July only).
Eugene Celebration (September only).
Piccadilly Market (occasional weekends).

Four things to do with a rubber band:
Put it on your wrist and snap it to remind yourself not to fall back into bad habits.
Wrap it around the end of a pen and use it to fish $1s out of the tip jar.
Use it to make sure the bag of ground coffee doesn't explode in the freezer.
Keep the braid from unravelling.

Well, seems conversion has been successful, except that I can't figure out how to customize the colour again. I will have to write to the BlogBack mailing list and see.

Somehow, I managed to set my alarm for an hour earlier than I needed to get up, so there's Phil Collins or Queen or someone serenading me at the unholy hour of 4:15 am... and the scary thing is I was instantly wide awake and alert. I reset the alarm for an hour later and drifted back to sleep. Bad idea. I should have just stayed up, because in the space of that hour I meandered off into zombieland and when I did finally get my butt out of bed at 5:40 I was barely conscious. Stupid sleep cycle!

Have to go down on Monday to an office placement agency about a receptionist job. Duties: Answer busy phones. Be willing to learn proprietary software. Have working knowledge of the web. Hm. Do ya think I qualify?

I'm in the process of converting my comments to the new and improved, updated BlogBack code, so please don't comment on anything or else your comments will be lost. The conversion is a one-at-a-time thing so it may take a while.

Well, the little snafu regarding the IP number associated with my domain name has been cleared up. Hooray to whomever it was that fixed it!

is this just not enough…?

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